


Our Own Normal

by ravenpuff1956



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asexual Character, Depression, F/M, Newt is also confused, Supportive Relationship, Tina is confused
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:14:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26870470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenpuff1956/pseuds/ravenpuff1956
Summary: Tina spins her wedding ring round and round her finger.It’s a simple band, gold. To match her mother’s necklace.Tina loves it.But her anxiety beats at her chest anyway.
Relationships: Tina Goldstein/Newt Scamander
Comments: 18
Kudos: 60





	1. The wedding night

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> I've had this idea in my head for a while. I know Newt's asexuality has been explored in multiple fics, but I thought it would be interesting to explore if Tina was asexual. Or on the spectrum of asexuality. I've tried not to put hard labels on it, since sexuality is fluid, it's just more an exploration of a woman's feelings as she struggles with her relationship in the 1930s.   
> I hope people find it interesting!   
> This story is going to be a lot of angst and is very personal to me, so I hope you guys like it. 
> 
> Massive thanks for Kemara for helping me with this and being my awesome Beta!

**1931**

“Mrs Scamander,” Tina whispers to herself as she stares out at the ocean. It’s a calm night. The waves are completely still. A flat sea. Though even the sound of the small crash of the waves returning to shore makes Tina squirm uncomfortably. 

Tina spins her wedding ring round and round her finger. It’s a simple band, gold. To match her mother’s necklace. Tina loves it.

But her anxiety beats at her chest anyway. 

She’s long since spelled her wedding dress away. It is a beautiful thing. Tina wishes her sister was there today to see it. But her new brother said she looked pretty so she supposes that’ll have to be enough.

Tina puts one shaky hand on the large wooden chest she’s safely tucked it into. She doesn’t want the happy memories of it ruined with whatever is going to happen tonight. 

Not that Tina doesn’t know. 

She’s a virgin, but not an idiot. 

She crosses her arms tightly back over her chest, her stomach rolling with nerves. 

Queenie always said that kissing was nice, but sex was even better. Her little sister got with a nice young man who had come back from the war when she was eighteen. 

The first war Tina supposes, now that a second one is brewing. 

Tina was against it, but her sister was young, with the world at her feet, and she wanted to experience _everything_. Unfortunately in the end the simple fling turned out to be a broken man who was unfortunately engaged to someone else. 

Queenie wasn't heartbroken. She already knew those details after all. And she had plenty to say about the experience. 

“It was like coming together, you know?” Her little sister had said, “Like it didn’t matter anymore where his hands or my lips were - it just felt incredible,” 

“Wasn’t it awkward?” A twenty-one year old Tina had asked, mystified. She couldn’t, and still can’t imagine her first time to be anything but embarrassing. 

“It was at first,” Queenie had admitted unnerved, “But so is your first kiss,”

Tina had nothing to say to that. At twenty-one she still hadn’t had her first kiss. 

She finally ended up kissing Abernathy on a whim a few years later just to see what it felt like. It was alright, she thought anyway, but that’s all Tina wanted to do. She definitely didn’t want to go out with him to that dance MACUSA was holding on Friday night. The man was annoyingly cool with her ever since.

Kissing Newt always felt nice though. Sweet. Though Tina always preferred their snuggles in the case. She especially likes it when he kisses her forehead. 

Tina smiles to herself like a fool. Mercy Lewis, how she loves him. 

_ Creak. _

Tina whips her head round from the peaceful cottage’s view, her entire body crackling uncomfortably. 

“Hello,” Newt enters their room with a bashful grin. 

Their bedroom. Which mainly contains a bed, and not much else besides half a dozen atmospheric candles. 

Oh, Merlin. 

“Hi,” Tina continues to smile, though it’s a little shaky.

Her husband ( _husband_ ) has already taken off his tie, waistcoat, and half a dozen buttons of his shirt. Newt has no qualms about loosening up in front of her. Even now he’s toeing off his boots, shedding his socks. 

Tina meanwhile feels like a crazy person. She’s not even wearing the fancy French lingerie Nagini had gifted her. Instead, her long white nightgown feels equally like too much and too little fabric. It covers her well. But it also feels like she’s drowning in her clothing- the collar a bit too high, the sleeves a bit too tight.

She’d rather wear pants. But Tina read a book on the subject stating that men prefer their wives in nightgowns, especially on their wedding night. For ‘better access’ or something equally terrifyingly worded. 

“You’ve taken off your dress,” Newt observes with a quirk to his lips, “I rather wanted to do that,” His eyes feel like a microscope. Newt's always intently observed her, but never to this extreme. Tina tries to steady her breathing, making the erratic rise and fall of the breath less tell-tale. 

“Sorry,” Tina bites her lip, looking down at the floorboards. 

She thought he might. But Merlin did she not want him to. She didn’t want him to feel her freeze as his hands slithered down her body. Tina clenches at the mere thought. 

“It’s alright,” Newt shrugs simply. He moves across the room in two strides to catch her in a warm embrace. Tina melts into his hug. He’s so warm. And stronger than her in so many ways. 

“My wife,” Newt murmurs in her ear. Tina nods into his neck, feeling teary. 

‘ _This is fine, it’s going to be fine, I’m fine, he’s fine, we’re fine_ ,’ Tina repeats round and round in her head. A tear dribbles down her cheek and she wipes it on Newt’s shoulder before he can see. 

“You’re beautiful,” Newt whispers to her as they part. Tina blushes and kisses him softly on the cheek instead of answering. It’s scratchy, as it always is at the end of the day. 

Some women have told her it feels good; stubble against skin. To Tina, it just feels scratchy. Though her lips buzz with the warmth of his skin. 

“This is a beautiful cottage,” Tina says gratefully, looking around, “I’ve written to Dumbledore, to thank him,” She’s thinking about writing to anyone who could possibly get her out of this… Tina wishes desperately Queenie was here. Someone to explain it for her. 

“We don’t have bathing suits in the trunks,” She’s babbling she knows she is, “So we’ll have to transfigure some of our clothes,” Anything to avoid the inevitable. 

“Love,” Newt interrupts her, gently entwining his fingers with her own. Tina looks down at their joined hands. The two rings on their fingers that bind them forever. 

“Do you want to go to bed?” Newt asks, his eyes shining down at her. 

The air is tight in anticipation. Newt looks excited. Tina… feels something akin to excitement. Or perhaps that’s just the flight and fight response messing with her brain.

“I think so,” Tina nods, sure. Because she is. They’re kissed before. This is fine. She can do this.

Sex is a part of marriage. A part of relationships. This is how it’s supposed to be. 

“We’ll take it as slow as you want, alright?” Newt tucks a slip of hair behind her ear. Tina smiles. He’s so good. He’ll never hurt her. She knows he’ll stop as soon as she says. 

Newt’s lips gently brush over her own. It feels nice. Good even. Tina lifts her arms to tenderly wrap them around his shoulders. Newt pulls her against him, and she does her best not  to think about anything that’s going on below.

Like his penis. His hard penis that he’s going to want to put inside her. That she’s going to have to touch. 

Tina has to push Newt away, pressing her lips together, trying to keep her panic at bay. 

“Sorry,” Tina can’t help but say. Then kicks herself for saying it. 

This isn’t natural. She shouldn’t be pulling away from her husband, who she cares about so deeply. This isn’t Abernathy. This is Newt. A man she loves so much she wants to be with him for her entire life. 

Newt cups her cheek. Tina hates herself for how she flinches. 

“We don’t have to do this you know,” Newt says softly, and without a hint of anger, “We don't have to do anything until you’re ready,” 

‘ _ But what if I’m never ready? _ ’ It’s on the tip of Tina’s tongue. 

But she can’t say that. 

How can she tell her new husband she might never want to have sex with him? That all she’s ever going to want to do at the end of the day is look after the creatures and then cuddle?

Or is this just because she hasn’t done it before? Hasn’t tried? It’s new- so that’s why it doesn’t feel right. 

“I’m okay,” Tina tucks her hair behind her ear, hoping he doesn’t see she’s on the verge of pulling it out, “Just nervous,” The understatement of the century

“I’m nervous too,” Newt smiles shyly, with his adorable crooked grin. 

‘ _ He’s nervous too _ ,’ Tina tells herself, trying to let that make her feel better. He keeps standing in front of her, not moving forward or back. Tina really doesn’t want to walk forward. But she has to.

Plus… it’s Newt. She wants to be with him in an intimate way.

Tina kisses him. Softly, shyly, the way she likes. Newt pushes back a little. It’s a little pressure. Not too terrifying, but heart pounding.

‘Perhaps this is what it feels like, to be aroused?’ Tina wonders as Newt tries pushing a little harder, his hands around her waist. It certainly feels awkward which is what she always imagined being randomly aroused must feel like… 

Newt mouth is soft, and a little open. Tina tries to copy him. It’s okay? Not great, but okay. Do people think this much when they kiss? Or do they kind of melt into it, only thinking about how great it feels? 

Tina stiffens, hating how much her mind is wandering. Newt also pauses, and she can tell he’s ready to back away. 

Because she’s letting him down. 

‘ _I can do this, don’t back down_ ,’ Tina steels herself, opening her mouth a little wider, letting him in. Newt does so eagerly, his tongue wrapping around her own in what she considers to be an experienced way. 

‘ _ It doesn’t feel bad. But it doesn’t feel nice. It feels… _ ’ Tina squeezes her eyes shut, trying desperately to enjoy the moment. 

‘ _ It feels like someone else’s tongue is in my mouth _ ,’ Tina’s bored mind offers blankly. 

“Dammit,” Tina breaks their kiss, crawling back to the window sill where it feels slightly safe. Although nowhere in this room right now feels okay. Newt’s scent is on her clothes. It smells so good. And yet tears still sting at her eyes. 

Newt’s mouth is open, and a little red. His eyes flit over her, confused, and a little hurt. Tina wants to die. But she also doesn’t want to try kissing again. 

“I can’t do this,” Tina exclaims, taking another step backward, almost tripping over their trunk. 

“Tina,” Newt’s using his wounded creature voice, “It’s okay,” He gently extends his hand for her to take. 

But the thought of touching anyone right now, even Newt, makes her sick. 

“I’m sorry,” Tina cries, a fresh wave of tears rolling down her cheeks. She pushes past him, doing her best not to touch him at all, and darts through the door, down the stairs and out into the night. 


	2. Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina escapes into the sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Next chapter. The next one probably won't be quite has fast- I'm about to start uni again.   
> But I love this fic, and I'm having a lot of inspiration right now. So I hope everyone enjoys.
> 
> Big thanks to Kemara my wondrous Beta!

The sand is cold between Tina’s toes. Their cottage is only a short run to the beach, and so there she went, wanting to get as far away from their bedroom as she possibly could. 

Tears plink down her nightgown as Tina honestly considers swimming to France. 

Newt didn’t follow her. She’s yet to decide if that makes her feel worse or better. Tina can still feel his tongue in her mouth and it makes her want to gag. Which makes her cry even harder. 

What kind of wife _is_ she? A wife who can’t stand her husband touching her. Kissing her. Without consummating their wedding night she won't even be his proper wife at all. 

Waves lap over Tina’s ankles. The English sea is always cold, but she barely feels it. 

The girls at school always teased her that she’d end up as an old maid. Tina has never set out to prove her wrong- she's as surprised as everyone else by Newt’s affection for her...

. 

This is why she didn’t want the massive English country garden wedding. With the photographs, the flowers and their friends and family. Tina would have been much more comfortable in a registry's office. 

Much easier for possible deniability.

Not for Tina of course. 

But for Newt. 

_She_ knows she wants to be with Newt forever. But why the _hell_ would he want to be with _her?_

Tina steps further into the ocean, the water creeping up her legs, over her waist and until it’s brushing her breasts. She hisses as goosebumps explode across her skin. But it’s nice. Peaceful. Washing away Newt’s hands on her hips, his touch on her forearms, his smell on her skin. 

It’s too much. Too much... pressure… expectations. Too much everything. 

Tina wants to scream. 

Instead, she dunks her head under. The sea is crisp and cool. It’s like floating in a bubble. Safe and away from the rest of the world.

Tina would honestly like to stay down here forever. Let the dark waves crash over her, left alone to sort out her emotions. But her lungs eventually burn for air. Regretfully, she pushes herself up, letting herself have some much-needed oxygen. 

“ _Tina!_ ” She turns to see Newt wading through the water to get to her, his voice drenched in fear. 

“Oh,” Tina says, water dripping down the back of her neck. She didn’t think he was watching what she was doing. 

“What,” Newt finally reaches her, his eyes running over her sodden form, clearly terrified, “What on _earth_ are you doing? 

“I-,” Tina says, her teeth chattering. Newt’s bottom lip is wobbling. 

Tina wants to leap into his arms and bury her face in his neck. 

Instead, she treads water, hopelessly silent, wishing her heavy clothes would drag her down again. 

“Come on, we’ve got to get you warm,” Newt reaches out but doesn’t touch her. Tina drags her waterlogged form wordlessly out of the ocean. 

Her new husband had the foresight to bring his wand, and he pings them both dry. Tina sits down on the sand with a thud and puts her head in her hands. 

‘ _Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry_ ,’ She tells herself firmly. She doesn’t want his pity. Or encouraging words. Tina doesn’t know what she wants. 

That’s the whole damn problem really. 

“Tina,” Newt’s voice is soft and low, “Merlin, love, please tell me what’s wrong,” Tina peeks through her fingers to find him crouching right in front of her. Worry lines are easily seen on his face, made clear by the clear moonlit night. 

Tina opens and closes her mouth, trying to speak. But no sound comes out. Unwanted tears drip down her chin. 

“I can’t,” Tina eventually croaks, tears running down the back of her throat. 

Newt hums shortly, taking a seat next to her. Tina can feel his presence, but not his touch, and she begins to cry heartily again in the knowledge that he’s somehow understood physical comfort will only make her worse. 

Tina sobs. Newt sits. 

Her eyes are itchy, her throat sore. In time Newt offers her a hanky and she takes it with trembling fingers. 

By the time she gets a hold of herself, the sky is pink, though it’s still dotted with stars. Newt is still sitting beside her, his hand on the sand in between them. Tina can’t quite bring herself to take it. But she’s so tired she can’t help but lean into him. Newt immediately pulls her closer. Tina’s gasp sounds like a sore hiccup. 

“I’m sorry,” She mumbles defeatedly. This was supposed to be their wedding night. The first beautiful night setting up the rest of their lives. 

And she’s ruined it. 

“Don’t be sorry,” Newt says, his voice rough with lack of sleep, “Just- Christ Tina, can you at least tell me what’s going on in your head?” 

Tina shrugs against his chest. There’s too much going on in her head right now for her thoughts to be even lucid. One rabbit hole that leads to another. One realisation that leads to more. And they all end up in a pile of despair and disgust. 

“I hate it,” She begins, an true overall statement with no extra strings to save him from her crazy. 

“Hate what?” Newt asks leaning back, actually trying to catch her eye. His eyes look sore and red. Tina wonders if he’s been crying himself. 

God, she’s horrible...

“Touching, kissing…” Tina trails off, not even able to say the word 'intercourse', “I can’t do it,” 

Newt’s hand clenches in the sand, a soft crunching sound. 

“With me?” Newt asks slowly, instantly moving away from her. 

Even her quick dip in the sea didn’t make Tina feel as cold as she feels right now. 

“No not with you, and not even always,” Tina struggles to explain. Newt’s watching her carefully as if he’s thinking she’s about to jump into the ocean again. 

Tina’s sigh is more like a shudder. 

“I just don’t think I’m inclined to anything… intimate,” She likes that word. It’s safe and covers a lot of things. 

Newt makes a small sound- one of interest, but also of sadness. Tina can tell he’s trying to keep his face schooled in something that could be considered neutral. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me, Tina?” Newt asks plaintively, “I wouldn’t have touched you if I knew,” 

Tina balls up her fists so hard her nails pierce her skin. 

“You’re my husband Newt, it’s our wedding night,” She squeezes her eyes tight, but there’s no tears left for her to shed, “I didn’t want to disappoint you,” Tina ends in a low voice. 

“Oh darling,” Newt strokes her back gently. For the first time all night, Tina relaxes at his touch. He knows. She trusts him. And there’s no way they can do anything now. 

“You could never disappoint me, Tina,” Newt whispers in her ear, his face as close as he could possibly get without kissing her cheek, “I just don’t know why you couldn’t tell me,” 

Tina bites her lip. She doesn’t know. The only other person who truly loved her left her for an evil psychopath. She knows she couldn’t stand to lose the only other. 

“I’m not some wild beast, I’m not always thinking about love making,” Newt’s dry humor always somehow makes Tina feel better. She smiles weakly despite herself. But he’s still managed to hit something that hit in her core anxiety on the head. 

“Sometimes though,” Tina says thickly, wiping her nose with her sleeve. 

“ _Sometimes,_ yes,” Newt agrees candidly, with a loaded nod. And Tina’s glad for his answer. 

She’d rather the honest truth than a lie he’d come to regret. Which he will. Eventually. 

“I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore…” Tina says sadly, finally accepting defeat. No matter how much she loves him... it's fairer to let him go. 

Newt looks like she punched him. His mouth agape. There’s a freckle right above his top lip. Tina wants to touch it, just once, before he leaves her. 

He wants an intimate relationship and she doesn’t. How could such a thing possibly be worked on? 

“Is that what you want?” Newt asks slowly, his green eyes filling with unshed tears. 

‘ _Bitch_ ,’ Tina’s mind whispers sullenly to herself, ‘ _This is why we should be alone forever_ ,’ 

‘ _Shut up_ ’ Tina tells herself viciously, batting away the sticky hands that threaten to pull her under. 

“Mercy Lewis, no!” Her voice bubbles up, strength gained from the primal instinct to clasp onto this man, hold him and never let him go, “But Newt, we want different things, it could never work and-” 

“I love you, Tina,” Newt interrupts her, his eyes blazing with something she’s never seen, “I love you so much I could burst- and if that’s what you feel for me then that’ll be enough. Our love will be enough,” 

He looks like he's gazing into her soul. The sun peaks over the skyline, and a sudden warmth flushes all over her skin. 

“Of course I love you Newt,” Tina throws her arms around him, her whole body wracked with silent, dry sobs, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how I felt, I was just scared,” 

Newt’s fingers run through her hair. Tina’s heart patters, but not to an insane extent. To an amount that she can swallow and work around. And his nails scratching against her scalp is pleasant. Comforting even- beating up her chest in a nice way. 

“I love you, Tina,” Newt murmurs tightly, his lips brushing over her forehead, “I’m not going anywhere,” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to tell me what you think!


	3. Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina and Newt's sweet honeymoon period is short-lived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Next chapter is up- hope everyone likes it. 
> 
> Big thanks to Kemara my marvelous Beta!

Tina caught a cold. Apparently her chest did not fancy a dip in the ocean in the middle of autumn. 

Her head ached, her nose ran. Tina generally felt like shit as she and Newt waltzed their way around Amsterdam, Sweden and Spain (Keeping as far away from Austria as possible). 

But she did so with a smile on her face. Newt understood. He never pushed again. Tina got used to his fingers dancing on her hip as he showed her round the magical sights of Western Europe. She fell asleep with her chin on his chest. Newt loves drawing shapes on her bare shoulders, and by the end of the month Tina even gathered up the courage to wear her silk slip; made of light cream fabric with flowers sewn around the hem. 

“Beautiful,” Newt whispers in her ear and gently pecks her cheek. Tina blushes and snuggles into him tighter. 

In their small bubble of newly-wedded bliss nothing is wrong. They’re young, happy and in love. Newt accepts her for her and Tina starts to think things are going to be just fine. 

The first wobble starts when they return to London. 

The papers. They drive Tina insane. 

They were annoying during their engagement of course. But at least there was always the distraction of their wedding, her dress, the cake and the guest list. The idea of their wedding night was hidden away in the by-line- Witch Weekly far more concerned with their glamorous honeymoon destinations than anything between the sheets. 

After the honeymoon period was over though…

“Mrs Scamander already pregnant with twins!” 

“Is that a bump on Mrs Beast,” 

“Will they go to Hogwarts or Ilvermony? The crucial debate on page 3,”

Tina can barely stand the sight of them. She loves children. Young children, older children, teenagers. Maybe not babies as much. But she knows any child with ruddy red hair and too many freckles would be one of her greatest joys. If only there was a stork or an owl to bring her, her little bundle.

“Don’t worry about it Tina,” Theseus tells her at work as she buries a copy left on her desk in the bin, “Pack of lies the lot of them- it’s only been a month, you would have no chance of knowing,” 

Tina’s responding laugh is a bit too loud. How can she tell her brother-in-law. That she’s certain she’s not pregnant. That there’s no way in hell. That she and Newt share a bed in the most innocent sense of the word. 

She can’t.

So she doesn’t.

“Want to get a coffee?” Tina says instead and Theseus agrees with a grin. 

She doesn’t end up drinking it- the full cup lies cold on a pile of paperwork. Nervous butterflies flap in her stomach and no jokes from her workmates can make it go away. 

Two months go by and it somehow gets worse. 

There’s a bug going round the office. Tina catches it, because of course she does. Adeline Bones strokes her back as she throws up her guts in the toilets.

“Take the rest of the day off,” Her friend advises her. Tina nods tiredly, her throat burning too much to speak. 

“Book a healer appointment too,” Adeline advises her, when Tina eventually tands on trembling legs. 

“I’ve already been,” Tina tells her once she’s had a drink from the sink, water dripping down her chin. 

“Oh!” Adeline’s golden eyes sparkle, “What did they day?” She touches her arm, almost buzzing with excitement. Tina stares. 

“It’s the flu,” She says blankly, not knowing why she’s so animated. Unless there’s an office pool going round and she’s got some galleons in…

“Oh,” Adeline takes a step back, looking strangely disappointed, “Of course,” 

“What did you think it was?” Tina asks, still confused. Her stomach growls again and she glares at it hoping it calms down so she can apparate safely. 

“I thought,” Adeline’s cheeks are soft and pink like a babies, “You might be…” She can’t meet her eye, clearly embarrassed. Her awkward gaze lands on her completely flat belly. 

It takes Tina another second. 

“I’m not pregnant,” She says mechanically, the words sticky in her mouth. Her stomach rolls again but this time for a different reason. 

“Thanks okay,” Adeline pats her back, sounding even more sympathetic than she did when Tina was vomiting.

Not many women stay in the ministry once they marry. Most engaged women flounce around, diamond rings outstretched. Their leave time for the honeymoon is code for ‘let go’. No married woman needs to work; not when she’s got a husband to support her. Tina got weird looks for asking for her next shift the day before her leave.

There’s a few modern women around of course. It’s the 1920s. A new age. Some women wear slacks to work. Some women prefer research rather than gossiping by the coffee station. Women who don’t care about getting old, the so called ticking clock, or being left on the shelf. Women like Tina. 

Thankfully most of these women work in the auror department. And by most she means three. 

Her, Adeline and Matilda. 

Matilda was the first of them to get hitched, to a lovely man called Quigley who didn’t care that she was higher up than him in the department (not to mention older). Tina attended the beautiful wedding that was three months before her own. 

It steadied her nerves to have a woman like that on her side- an engaged lady who didn't seem to get wrapped up in invitation colours (cream is cream) and flower displays. It also helped to have Adeline as a friend- a free spirit who spends all of her money on shoes, alcohol and cigarettes. 

Tina had not expected Adeline to look so disappointed at her admission. To look almost sorry for her- in a way. Her lack of pregnancy an outlier to the other married women with their smug smiles and big bellies. 

Matilda came back to work from her honeymoon. But only a week ago she left on sick leave. For an undefined period. Perhaps she’s caught the ‘flu’ too. 

Tina decides to floo home instead of apparate. Her nerves were scattered and she knew the pain of splinching would send her into a frenzy.

She joins Newt in the basement where he flutters around her like a mother hen. Tina watches from his chair: honeyed tea in one hand and a cup of Jacob’s chicken soup in the other. 

The hippocampus has had a calf. Newt’s soaked and seaweed lines his hair. There’s a long painful scratch up his thigh from where an inpatient mother got a bit too irritated at his attentions. But he’s calm, smiling even, the calf’s head in his hat as he gently feeds it medication wrapped up in a treat. Tina can’t help but smile as the calf licks his cheek. 

But her stomach lurches again. He’s the perfect father. Kind, calm and understanding. 

What if her affliction means they can never have children?

“Newt?” Tina murmurs from her chair as he lopes back over to her. 

“Yes love?” He replies distracted. Newt seems to have finally noticed his wound and is playing around with different spells. It seems persistent. Blood drips down his ankle and gets absorbed by his sock. 

“Do you,” Tina’s breath hitches. They really should have talked about this before they got married. Another failure on her part. 

Newt looks up from where she’s struggling. Patient as always, he watches her carefully as Tina struggles to push the words out. 

“Do you want children?” Tina asks quietly, resting her soup on his desk to distract herself from his heavy gaze. She has no appetite. Especially not now. 

“Yes,” Newt says simply, a whimsical smile on his lips. 

Tina nods, ingesting this information. Perhaps there’s a way for her to take his essence and stuff it inside of her. She'd do anything for him to have what he wants. 

Well... almost anything. 

Tina shudders unconsciously at the thought of anything entering her. 

"Do... you?" Newt asks slowly, clearly noticing her reaction, "Want children?" 

A beautiful boy enters Tina's minds eye. A mini Newt, with his smile, his freckles and her school scores. Or perhaps a little girl- with dark hair and blue eyes, a niffler on her lap. 

Her nails tap against the rim of her cup. 

"I think so," Tina tries to smile at him. It's a little wobbly. But she succeeds eventually. 

Newt presses a warm kiss to her forehead. Tina looks down into her cup. 

_ Tap, tap, tap.  _

She can't keep herself still. 

"Do you want _my_ children?" Tina asks with nervous emphasis. She should let it go. Leave their conversation at a happy impasse. 

But she can't. 

Tina's got her own ticking clock. And now it's not only contained by others expectations, but of Newts. 

Newt wets his lips before burying himself at his workbench. 

"Any children of... _ours_ ," Newt says firmly, and she can tell he's choosing his words carefully, "I will consider _yours_ , Tina," 

It's a kind sentiment. But Tina sees the red stain blessing his ears. The terse line of his jaw. How his fingers slip around the line of the wand. 

He wants _her_ children. _Their_ children. 

Not matter how much he says he doesn't care. If they adopt perhaps, which had crossed Tina's mind. Newt wants them to experience having a child together. And if she's perfectly honest with herself, that's what Tina wants too. 

She sips her tea and it tastes of ashes. It's a hopeless conundrum. Should Tina try and grit through it now? Rip it off like a particularly unpleasant band-aid? Or should she wait a while. Build up to a time where maybe she could bare it? 

Tina goes to bed early that night. She lets her hand sit on her stomach as she stares blindly up at the ceiling. 

She can imagine it getting bigger. Growing with new life- a life she created with the man she loves.

But every time Tina imagines Newt on top of her. Hot, naked and panting she has to physically push his imaginary form away. 

Perhaps from behind? So she can hide her face in their pillow and pretend not to feel anything? 

"Hopeless," Tina whispers to an empty room, crawling up in a tight ball. 

When Newt joins her she's still awake. He gives her a quick kiss and he tastes vaguely of whisky. 

"You feeling okay?" Newt mumbles sleepily in her ear. Tina nods silently. 

She doesn't really feel anything, so really it's a trick question. Her nerves are so worn out that she's numb. An empty shell rolling through the motions. 

"You?" Tina asks thickly. 

She hates herself for how she's added extra turbulence to his life. With Newt she knows about a hundred mating rituals. Rituals that end in children. They dance together sometimes. But they've never danced their own. 

"Yeah," Newt says nondescriptly and Tina wonders what thoughts he's hiding from her. 

Tina sighs. 

There must be something wrong with her. 

To want children, but to not want the step that equates to children. How can that be right? Who has made her this way?

"I think I want to see someone," Tina whispers before she can think twice about it, "Perhaps there's something I can do- to help us," 

Newt breathes out- a long low ripple of air. 

"Is that what you want?" He asks simply, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. 

Tina thinks of the red headed child hidden in her imagination. Of how happy they could be. Of how happy she could make him. And nods. 

"I want that for us," Tina says to his chin. 

Newt says nothing, but pulls her into his chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to tell me what you think


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina goes to therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,
> 
> More angst. I love angst, has anyone noticed?
> 
> Hope everyone enjoys!

Tina’s fingers curl around her skirt and her left foot taps anxiously against the offices wooden floor boards. 

A relationship counselor. A fad in Germany that’s become a faze in America which has now gingerly made its way to the UK. Not that most believe in such things. Especially in magical circles with blood lines at risk of being ‘dirtied’. _Double_ especially in British magical circles where your reputation is worth more than happiness.  Stiff upper lip and all that. 

Who you marry is who you marry, especially for women. If you’re not content- well, that’s what affairs are for.

Tina _really_ doesn’t want to think about Newt having an affair. 

They’ve told no one. The press is having enough of a field day with their relationship without hearing about this. Tina doesn’t think she could handle ‘ _Scamander’s soon to be divorced?’_ splashed across her morning newspaper. 

“Mrs Scamander?” Tina looks up, her heart pounding. 

A terse looking woman peers out from behind a door, seemingly appraising her over a pair of horse-rim glasses. She’s wearing a slim-cut suit, which draws in even further her spider thin waist. She’s got a good figure for a woman with that many wrinkles- her hair, which is wrapped in a severe bun, is still mostly a dirty blonde colour: only a few swipes of grey. 

“Are you just going to sit there, or are you going to come in?” She asks, her nails rapping against the side of her door frame. 

“Oh, no, I'm coming,” Tina stands up hastily, but the lady’s already disappeared inside. Abashed, Tina follows the no-maj in. She couldn’t find a magical counselor, no matter how hard she looked. 

“I’m Miss Birch,” She introduces herself as Tina slips inside the office, “Take a seat, and we’ll have a chat,”

Tina does as she’s told, taking the closest seat in front of Miss Birch’s desk. It’s a small office, but neat. Books line one wall, a poorly washed window, another. Tina crosses her leg, then uncrosses it again. 

“Are you comfortable?” Miss Birch asks, a thin eyebrow raised at her fiddling. 

“Yes,” Tina says automatically, pressing her hands between her knees. 

‘ _ You’re here to get help _ ,’ She tells her nerves firmly, ‘ _ No need to lose control _ ,’ But she shifts apprehensively in her seat anyway. 

“So, Mr Scamander will not be joining us?” Birch asks, already noting something in a tiny black book with a pen. 

“No,” Tina says to the top of the woman’s head, “No, I euh, he didn’t want to come,” 

‘ _And I pleaded with him not to,_ ’ Tina thinks inwardly. She really didn’t want to drag Newt into this anymore than he has to be. Being married to her is hard enough. _He_ wants to touch her. It’s Tina that needs… well she doesn’t know, but clearly _something_.

“Men often don’t,” Miss Birch snorts, twiddling her pen around her fingertips. Tina smiles weakly, her heart thrumming loudly in her chest. 

“So what is it, that is the problem?” Miss Birch asks, cocking her head as if Tina were simply a difficult crossword puzzle, “Secret mistress? Secret child? Come home to find a hussie in your closet did you?” She speaks like a broken record. 

“No!” Tina blanches, horrified, not being able to believe this is this woman's opening line. 

Newt loves her. He would never try to find release somewhere else- he told her so. He did. Yes. No. Fuck- she can’t remember properly. Tina sucks in a tight breath as the image of Newt smiling before taking a faceless woman into a passionate embrace floats into her consciousness unannounced. 

“Then what love?” Miss Birch asks irately; if she was surprised she doesn’t show it. Instead it’s almost irritation of Tina not being an easy problem to solve. 

Tina clasps her hands together, feeling a small wave of anger. But bats it down in an effort of civility. 

“My husband and I… want a child,” Tina explains as best she can without stuttering, “But I’m not particularly inclined… to be ‘ _making_ ’ part of the act,”

Miss Birch’s face twitches for a millisecond. 

“Your wedding night produced no results?” She asks, writing something else on her pad. 

“Er, no,” Tina admits her foot beginning to tap again. She doesn’t want to tell a stranger what did and didn’t happen that night. Even if she is paying said stranger to help her with her problems. 

“Have you tried lying back and thinking of England?” Miss Birch questions, her pen stretching again, “Or Kansas, I suppose in your case,” She laughs at her little joke. Tina swallows harshly, wishing she knew what she was writing. 

“I’m from New York,” She answers bluntly, “And no- I _can’t_ … I don’t like him touching me,”

Miss Birch leans closer. For a second there’s something like sympathy in her watery blue eyes. 

“Has he hit you love?” She asks in a soft whisper. Tina sets her jaw. 

“No,” She says hotly, not liking to think of anyone assuming such a thing of her husband. Miss Birch leans back in her chair, and it makes an ear splitting creak. 

“Do you know it’s the _wife’s_ duty to keep her husband satisfied?” She asks clicking her pen, again and again. Tina bites her lip, properly shamed. It stings to hear someone say out loud what she was thinking about herself. 

“I know,” She murmurs under her breath. 

“And you and your husband- you both want children?” Miss Birch asks with a crisp smile, still clicking. Tina nods slightly, unnerved by the sound. 

“Well I’m afraid you might have to suck it up Mrs Scamander,” Miss Birch smiles grimly, "It’s only for a couple of nights after all, and you’ll get the offspring you are wanting for,” She writes something else in her notebook in a final sort of way. 

Tina stares. That’s it? She came all this way to get her problems sorted by a professional and all she’s been given is- stiffen up and deal with it? Her heart pounds in her ears, making her feel almost dizzy. 

“It’s not that we haven’t tried,” Tina tries to explain further, edging on angry, “I can’t- I have no other way to explain it, it doesn’t feel good at all,” She shivers thinking about it. Miss Birch stops her clicking. 

“Do you love him?” She asks, as if expecting her to say no. 

“So much,” Tina replies hauntingly. 

But her tough act quickly crumbles to despair, under her judgmental gaze. 

“I don’t understand it! I just can't do it! That’s- that’s why I came here,” She picks at her cuticles, unable to meet the older ladies eye. 

“Have you had sexual relations with anyone before?” Miss Birch asks, like it’s a dirty thing.

“No,” Tina bristles, her face flushed with embarrassment. 

“Have you,” Miss Birch seems to be struggling with this herself, “Ever felt desire towards another male?”

“I don't,” Tina wracks her brain. She really doesn’t know what she’s supposed to be thinking about, “I don’t know,” 

“That’s not possible Mrs Scamander,” Miss Birch lays her pen on top of her notebook in a manner of finality, “There has to be at least one time- it’s in the human psyche to want to breed, as you’ve already expressed to be a desire to do so,”

“Perhaps,” Tina says faintly, trying even more desperately to come up with a time she’s thought sexual thoughts about someone, but coming up with naught, “I just want to know if there’s anything to be done to make me want to feel those things,” 

“I can’t fix you if you’re broken Mrs Scamander,” Miss Birch says bluntly. 

Tina’s heart drops to her toes. Surprised tears sting at her eyes. She’s always kind of thought so. But to be told that by a professional- It really must be true. 

“Right,” Tina manages to say, struggling to keep her voice steady. 

“I can suggest a calming drug you can use to relax you,” Miss Birch writes something down on her book, before ripping it off as passing it to her, “Alcohol too would be useful I think to push through this… _thing_ you’re experiencing,” She takes special care not to touch her patient, as if afraid she’s going to touch her particular ‘disease’. 

“Okay,” Tina agrees again faintly, the paper crunching between her fingertips. 

“I would also suggest Mrs Scamander, to let your husband be,” Miss Birch wrinkles her nose, the top of her lip curling upwards, “As free as he wants to find another potential partner,” 

Tina feels the breath knocked out of her. Isn't this supposed to be couples therapy? Surely the point should be to keep the two people involved together? 

“What?” Tina asks, hoping she was mistaken in what she heard. 

“It’ll be easier this way,” Miss Birch says in completely certainly, “An unsatisfied man will be likely to roam, but an open marriage can be a happy one,”

Tina takes in this information. Newt did say he wanted to have sex. Just because she doesn't have the urge doesn't mean he's suddenly lost his. Is she being rude for denying him the opportunity of getting his release? When he could easily get it with someone else? Newt will still be with her in the rest of the ways that count...

“We want Mr Scamander to be happy,” Miss Birch pats her stiffly on the arm, “Don’t we?” She cocks an eyebrow. 

“Yes,” Tina says quietly, unsticking her tongue from the top of her dry mouth. 

“Than that’s settled,” Miss Birch settles back, satisfied in her seat, “Thank you for this session Mrs Scamander, I’ll see you next week, same time, to check on your progress,” She waves her hand towards the door, leaving Tina to struggle to her feet. 

\-----------///-----------------///--------------

“She told you what?” Newt thunders, outraged. His knuckles white around the wine glass he’s holding. 

Tina nods wetly into the dregs of her own glass. She’s already had three glasses and the alcohol has made her teary as well as a bit fuzzy. 

“Well... the relaxant  _ would _ probably help calm my nerves,” Tina attempts to keep her tone light, but falls short by a large margin. The thought of someone doing  _ anything  _ with her body while she’s too weak to do anything about it makes her throat close up in fear.

Newt stares at her, as if she’s gone crazy. 

“Why on earth would I like to make love to you when you’re  _ drugged _ Tina?” He says, sounding horrified by the thought, “I’ll want to make love to  _ you _ , when  _ you _ want to make love to  _ me _ ,” He downs his full glass of wine in one, before reaching for the bottle and filling it up again. Tina gently spells away the red liquid that slopped over the side by his anger filled actions. 

“I should have come,” Newt says, shaking his head and sipping his drink tightly, “I can’t believe you had to listen to that bullshit alone,” 

“Well it’s probably best you didn’t,” Tina says with a sad little smile, “You might have set Pickett on her,” She gestures to his shoulder. The little creature bares his fist at her protectively. 

“Don’t think I wouldn’t have,” Newt says seriously with a glare, seeming relishing the thought of his leafy friend ripping Miss Birch’s eyes out. 

Newt drinks and Tina stews. It does feel nice to have someone defend her feelings. But it goes without saying they still don’t have an answer to their problem. And Tina went to get help, and instead of feeling better, she feels even worse than before. Hot tears bubble at her eyelids again. 

“I’m sorry we can’t have children,” Tina says to the table-top, trying her best not to break down again. 

“Tina,” Newt takes her hand, squeezing her fingers tightly, “You don’t know that we won’t” He speaks so fiercely. Tina desperately wants to believe him. But she’s also suffering from an incredibly pessimistic downwards spiral that makes it impossible to see the light side. 

“Still,” Tina sniffs, her throat closing up, “Sorry in advance,” She never thought her marriage would include so many apologies. 

“We can adopt,” Newt suggests carefully, his thumb stroking her hand. 

Tina harrumphs. She's thought about it too. She knows she'd give any child they decide to care for the best life possible. And that they would be loved... so loved. 

But... she can't shake the feeling that it would just be another one of her failures. It surely wouldn't be how Newt first imagined it. 

Not to mention, it still doesn't fix another issue. How long is Newt going able to put up with not having his sexual needs met? 

“Would… would you feel better…” Tina stumbles over her words, unable to meet his eye, “Perhaps if you… and another woman…,” She truly hates this idea. But she’d do anything to make her marriage work. To give Newt whatever he wants.

“What?” Newt’s whole body twists in shock. He rips his hand out of her own, his bottom lip hanging perilously open. 

“Well if you had sexual relations another woman,” Tina draws small circles on their table top, trying not to let her true emotions show on her face, “You’d get your...needs met...if you feel like you need it,” She smiles wanly, tucking a limp piece of her hair behind her ear.

Newt looks as angry as she's never seen him. Tina watches as he swallows with some effort, the tops of his cheeks pink, his eyes flashing. 

“Did,” Newt has to stop speaking to take a deep breath, “Did _she_ tell you that we should do that?”

Tina can’t bring herself to speak, but numbly inclines his head. 

“I’m going to kill that woman,” Newt announces, standing up far to sharply. His glass shudders, before toppling to the floor, “I’m going to jinx her so hard she won’t be able to walk for a month,” The carpet is soaked in blood looking wine, which is slowly spreading across the nylon. 

“No, Newt!” Tina grabs onto his shirt sleeve; he looks just furious enough to actually carry out his threat, “She’s a No-Maj,”

“I don’t care,” Newt roars, his hands shaking, “She called you broken!” He seems outraged at the fact. 

Tina however just feels a numb sort of acceptance. That probably isn't healthy, but there you are. Newt is staring at her, like she should be matching his outrage. Tina doesn't know what has happened with all the fire that used to be stoked inside her. Now she just feels rather... tired. 

“That’s the thing Newt,” Tina admits softly, repairing the wine glass with a wave of her hand, “I… sometimes feel as though I am,”

“Oh Tina,” All the aggression almost immediately fades from him. He deposits himself in her lap, and wraps his arms around her stroking her hair. 

Tina didn't even realise that she had started to cry. 

“And to hear it from her…” Tina sniffs, wiping her nose on her shirt, “I don’t know Newt,” She rolls her tongue around in her mouth, trying to find the words. 

“I thought seeing someone would help but I’m even more confused than before,” Tina shrugs hopelessly. 

Newt sighs, taking her cheeks in his two hands. 

“You are Tina Scamander, you are strong, and brave, and my beautiful wife,” He says “That is who you are Tina,” 

“Yes,” Tina nods, listening but not quite understanding. 

“You’re not going back to her,” Newt kisses the top of her head, rocking her gently, “She’s not getting a dime out of us,” 

He says it with such certainty. Like they've made one step in the right direction. Tina meanwhile feels like they're taken three steps back. Her face crumples. Sometimes she feels like they're never going to fix this. 

“Hey, hey,” Newt tilts her chin upwards. 

“I’m sorry Newt,” Tina apologies, again, her eyes red and sore, “I really thought this would help us,” 

“It’s okay,” Newt holds her to her chest, “I did too,” 

“I’m sorry,” Tina fists his shirt, so fucking glad he's somehow staying solid for her, “I know I’m a mess,”

“I love you Tina,” Newt tells her sweetly, “I’m not going to have an affair or pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do- I hope you know that,” He seems almost anxious about the fact. 

“I do,” Tina lips twist, “And I love you too,” The truth. 

“We’ll just keep chugging on then,” Newt says with a small smile, leaning in to kiss her gently. 

“Sounds like a plan,” Tina says after they part, trying to sound as happy as he's trying to be. 

But her stomach twists. She can't shake the feeling that they may be just lying to themselves. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to tell me what you think!
> 
> Btw if you want to know why the relationship therapist is such an arsehole, I was looking it up and apparently couples therapy first originated in Germany in the 20s as part as the eugenics movement. Which is... gross to say the least. So therefore Miss Birch is a dick.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to tell me what you think!


End file.
